sensation

is it quite the case?
even now, i act, and still, my intentions are faintly apprehendable,
as there is a murk about them.
i strain to be still, and let the murk settle, before i carry on, and with each act anew, a fresh stir, and a fresh obfuscation.

there is nothing but to stay forward, be slow, keep observant, and if, in any of these three things i falter, i must make it up by compensating with the others..
this is no dogma, just a convenient notation..

there is suffering all around.
being observant is a hard one for me, most often,
to keep from becoming a part of it, or inventing it myself.

speed is second.

note #1 from ascient

likely noone,
i can not suspect that this is an address of any kind. there is possibly nothing for transmission (possibly, has never been), nor can there be any reasons to consider any transmitting. there may not be substance to be, nor to be transmitted. and whether there are things which may engender transmission, well, it can not be known.
then, if there is something other than transmission, what is this?
this may phenomena be, but if not, then a pour of something else transpired, if so transpired, if so at all. and then, if this searching sentiment, if this self wondering para-nomena..
if! some half-happenings keep!, or not!
then will something be shown? will something (if something) be indicated?
but then, will that indicator be? or not?
it can not seem. a possible struggle may be unbegining, ever in unbegining.. or not.
maybe there was something, and it has finished, and now, there is nothing to seem, no form, no intuition..
may it be that there is nothing to know? is this a phenomena? if so, is it the phenomena of knowledge sticking to nothing in a void?
it can not be seen.

my feet and hands are dirt. i have been wearing at least a little earth for the past few days.
we have constructed and planted most of the garden.
it is large, yet, it grows smaller as we make our discernments upon it..

the spinach will be planted staggered-ly, the first row planted, and then the next row 10 days after, and the next row 10 days after that... this way, after the forty or fifty days that it takes for the first row yields, we will get them, replant there, and then 10 days later, the second will be up, and so on. local perpetua-greens.

i have been doing a lot of digging in reaction to the number of rain water issues that have arisen. first, there is a spot on the northwest corner of the plot where we had noticed that water pools up, and would flood out any seeds that we wished to plant. i dug east from the spot, across the plot. somewhere along the way, my easternly trench dug southeast a bit, but luckily so.. since it turns out that this was more downhill than the straight east trench would have been.
after we had planted the first two rows (collards, turnips), it began a tremendous rain. the yard is a semidescent slant. rain water that gathers on the side of the house comes rushing down into the back yard, and is led by gravity towards the garden. the plot is a long rectangle, sloping down into the longer backyard.. we had begun to dig a trench along the side of the plot, to divert the water from running across it, and washing out the seeds. by the time the rain got heavy, is was too late, where we had begun digging flooded over, and two streams cut out across the rows of seed.

i got back from a miraculous lunch, to find my coffee still warm at my desk.
how gracious. my code is getting fussier as i get closer to finishing..

last night i watched a pedestrian nearly get trampled by a bicyclist who was speeding around a blind corner, trusting his misknowledge about what lie around it.
had the pedestrian left his previous location just a few seconds earlier, that bicyclist would have seriously injured him..

i continued home on foot, through the neighborhood.
audibly, a car came hurdling up behind me at a ridiculously dangerous speed.
normally, i do my best to let these disturbing things not linger on my mind, even in the moment, i try to leap into a real-time forgiveness.
yet, this motorist was going so fast, so recklessly, that i stopped, stepped off to the side of the road, and extended my middle finger. this insecure behavist could easily kill any number of my friends on this street, young kind strangers, my love, etc.. anything.
i stood on a curve in the road, as he came around it,
i, with my finger held out.
he sped around the corner, and started up the hill, accelerating so fast, that he visibly almost lost control of the vehicle.
i immediately began to let it seep out of me, waiting for the sound of a crash somewhere over the hill.
nothing.

a little later, a roommate came home, asking us if we had seen the crash down the street.
i suspected.
apparently, the autofellow was speeding back down the same street that i was on, lost control around that same turn, and smashed head on into the electrical pole that i was standing in front of while middlefingering. he snapped the pole in half.
the initial crash knocked out the internet/cable wires,
and so, i know that the crash happened just minute or two after i got home, which was a minute or two after i had been standing in that very spot.

he crashed, apparently, with a female passenger. immediately after the crash, he got out, and ran away, with some witnesses chasing after him..
the female was seen being loaded into an ambulance with a neckbrace.

clearly, if i had left where i was coming from just a minute or two later, blah blah..

i wonder if he would have crashed, had i decided not to outstrech my finger.
i wonder if that fueled him, compelling him further.
i, of course, can not know.

in nonlinear dynamics,
this can be rephrased as "sensitivity to initial conditions".
tiny changes resulting in incredibly different outcomes..
as overused as it is lorenz's "butterfly effect"...
this sensitivity to small changes is what defines chaos, in the technical use of the word. yet, there is a strange question of determinism here.
where is the determinism? chaos only comes from deterministic systems. this is what allows the system to react to small changes. if small change happened in a random (stochastic) system, then the next change would be random, and ultimately unaffected by the small change. it gets lost in the noise..
there has to be some determinism, some rule which governs the way that the system evolves, in order for a small change to be amplified into a big change..
i suppose the notion of cellular automata
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conway%27s_Game_of_Life) comes to mind.
there is a small-scale rule which governs the way that structure emerges, and sustains.. but then larger scale structures can emerge..
i suppose that, in the universe, when a new level of structure emerges from an older one (biological structure emerging from chemical, psychological structure emerging from neural, etc.. ) then the principles which govern these new phenomena are also emergent, they have properties, causes, effects, etc...
so, a concise description of how their properties, and the properties of things they interact with (on any level) are affected by their behaviors should constitute what we generally consider "rules",.. but in a loose sense.
translating principles into a formal language (like mathematics) usually creates something which we are quicker to recognize as a "rule", and so,
it is simply that, for social systems, there is not yet rigorous enough language for me to have some immediate recognition of a determinism acting.
this makes sense, while i keep in mind that,
such a determinism would not be the strict inflexible kind that is meant when talking about physics..
that determinism is a bit more intuitive.
a social determinism would just entail a perspective which would encompass the totality of all agents, their motivations, and the resources and behaviors being exerted to satisfy those motivations...

that is a large perspective to walk around with, on a beautiful night, with mortality speeding around blind corners.

some tomorrow today was

it is latening. i am running code, looking to get a feel for the urban density of rural georgia, my computer sniffing the rolling 0000110011011 landscapes, through a satellite memory. this code has demanded the simplest, and most difficult coding things that i have encountered in too long. i must not be being challenged too much as a programmer. good thing i am not a programmer.

spent a good deal of today, writing to my grandparents, three neat sheets.
you mentioned something recently that i began commenting on, and meant to finish commenting on, but failed somehow. i will later stumbled upon it as a tool, in order to think something else.

you mentioned having your thoughts follow trajectories dictated by things you had recently seen or read. then, you experienced a severing of influence, and a liberation in stream of thought, and the impulse to dwell there, and then the realization of that having the potential to become an cognitive overbearer.

this leads, in a way, to my recent seeming inability to sustain certain detailish things in my memory, and my initial despairs in the face of notionloss .. but that, what i seemed to have gained was a greater intuition of how some underlying principles work in more broad classes of phenomena.. a sort of generalization of knowledge, instead of (and in fact in place of) just raw accumulation of knowledge/experience. i realized that, given the finite nature of the human mind, one could process complex information more efficiently if perhaps, instead of having to refer to numerous specific instances, one could harness the essential principle, in its most adaptable form. of course, this is true of us, as in learning, and much, and most else.
the notion to which i might well be referring to, is that of a larger cognitive regime of behavior, on a continuum. we can imagine some humans as having more of a "empirical nature", which creates a perspective centrally based around previously organized and integrated knowledge and experiences, with many well maintained notions, relationships, and strucutres. this is compared to an "intuitive nature", which will less often hardwire solutions or conceptual structure, while more often leaving concept and experience fluid, for revisions and adaptations. where was i going with this?
ah yes, the superefficiency of the intuitive mind! it is not the case!! rather, it is only the case in certain situations, where intuitive leaps and adaptive jumps are advantageous. there are plenty of situations where conventions, structure, and rigidity are more efficient...
this is exactly a notion in complexity science. when a complex adaptive system tunes itself in such a way that, they are right on the edge of stability and instability, they are in the optimally adaptive position. if stability is possible, and useful, then the system can be stable. but, if something changes drastically, the system is not far from an unstable state which kicks it large distances in state space.. potentially allowing it to fall into a state which is more commensurate with the newly transformed surroundings. the whole thing is referred to as evolving to "the edge of chaos",..
whatever it is worth, i was lead hear.

stop document.

though it can not be proven, my existence carries out. it has been hounding through articles for a week or more, bounding from each new of them with shifted thought, curling and froth from being plunged around so suddenly.. and that froth is where i have been playing, at times, lost and idle in the foam of meme birth, and afterbirth, but often orienting, engaging currents and exposing eddies.
our research group consists of an older moroccan woman, and and older indian fellow, the latter of which does`more managerial things than research. we have recently been pushed into a proposal project with another group of scientists who do very different things from us. they are writing a national science foundation grant proposal. we are now tasked with trying to lend our complexity science to their problems. this idea is not straightforward, and the conceivers of it may or maynot have been honest with themselves about this obvious fact. we have endeavored, and postulated, and been spread thin, out into the space of all possible approaches to the ideas in the proposal, and by that spreading, we were sent out searching, from article to article, trying to grasp, and grasp over the structures laid in front of us.. the attempt to represent them to ourselves in such a way that, our tools fit their grooves, and intuitions fumble with shapes of certain or uncertain futures and unfutures. to be clear: there exist two language, ours, call it A, and theirs, call it B. we try construct a language, call it C, so that, when we talk about language B with language C, it sounds like language A.

we others, the domestic researchers, tilled the earth, in a long strip, maybe 120ft by 40ft.
it will be the ground from which we try to feed. the winter should bring us lots of greens..which we certainly can use. they are such efficient vessels of minerals from the earth to its animals.. they are the apex of the teat of nature, and we are ascending toward it... it is a dirty fleshy journey, with metal clashing on wood, deep in the ground.. and it is fortuitously, as erotic as we would care to make it.

nocturnal kernel

(re-entering waking state in 3 - 2 - 1)/

waking state[engaged]
sensory data integration[engaged]

(physical configuration[lying on side])/

tactile registry:
-
-
- right shoulder compressed

conceptual registry:
-
-
-too much weight on shoulder

action[reconfigure];

(leveraging appendages left in 1 - 2)/
(roll complete)/

(physical configuration[lying on back])/

tactile registry:
-
-
-left heel cold


conceptual registry:
-
-
-left heel on cold tile floor

action[considering];
action[considering];
action[none];

conceptual registry:
-
-
-content

tactile registry:
-
-
-left heel warming..
-left heel warming..
-smile

conceptual registry:
-
-
-smile

tactile registry:
-
-
-left heel warm


waking state[decaying]
sensory data integration[decaying]

...must be a live two..

i do not miss my old job in the sky.
it is not like it was bad or anything.
the commute was a bit absurd,
but i was mostly stocking clouds,
and up early every morning, sweeping up the stars before the sun arrived,
as to keep him from looking like a fool.

-never got to work much with the winds though.
i looked like a lot of fun.

...must be a live one..

at a complete, and lovely loss,
i hold up my hands, emptyful, and conquerless,
opening the palms up.
the light, in its old age,
eases across them with some difficulty,
slowing to indicate how the contours have grown,
oh my, how they have grown...

the light trails off..
i put my hands away warmly, slipping them into my pockets for later.
i trail on, finished.

one post, eon stop

this is a beginning. this is all, and this is all it will ever be.
i wonder about how true this could be,
and then i move on.

i am writing this for you.
it is certain.

i am a strange free as of recent. i have no courses this summer.
i am studying for a topology qualifying exam at the end of this month, and all of my time should be going into studying for it. i may pass.
i hope so, and hope not.
sleep is free. time is free. i only need a few things.
starting in june, i will be on working with a research group.
it is not clear if i will have a job-like time structure... what with getting to some place at some time everyday, and being expected to stay for some number of hours..
i hope not, and hope so.
this is likely the best kind of hope.. it is stable, easy to satisfy (as it is impossible to dissatisfy), and unalienating to all parties involved.

if my time frees up more, i will likely start writing some things which i have planned to write for long. memes and such.. there is much to say... and more to find out...

i just ran into a friend tonight who is an artist, musician, skateboarder, academic...
he apparently has a house, and we might be able to start playing music there. as things are now, i can only play my drums when my upstairs neighbor is not home... which is now less frequent in the summer than it was in the spring.
i feel slightly shamed in my relations with him (upstairs neighbor). he is terribly cool, but i almost only end up going to talk to him either to find out if he is home (so that i might play) or to inquire as to when he will be gone. it may feel terrible to him.

alas, there is not much i can do. i suspect i should pay him some social calls... maybe see if he wants to hang out a bit. it would be nice. yes, i am now resolved.

speaking of.. my research professor in troy is leaving for sabbatical soon, and i told him that i would see him before he left (may 29). thus, i intend to arrive in troy on some day before then.
suspect all you want.

here is a photo of a recent/not so recent painting.